5 Petitions For Things Less Important To National Prosperity Than A Death Star
Colin Lecher
at 04:00 AM Dec 18 2012
Death Star
Science // 

The people of the United States have spoken. A White House petition to begin construction of a Death Star by 2016 has reached the 25,000-signature threshold, meaning the White House now has to respond.

President Obama: Your people have entreated you to tackle some significant science and tech issues before, but now they really need your help. And, anyhow, look at all of these things that are way, WAY less important than the construction of a Death Star.

Texas wants to secede, for example.

First of all, Texas, cut it out. Second of all, go ahead and secede, and when the Union has a Death Star, surely you will reconsider your position.

Also Louisiana wants to secede.

A lot of other states, actually.

Nationalising the Twinkie industry has been proposed, too, and while that's clearly an endeavor worthy of presidential consideration, there is still no way that deserves the attention of a Death Star. Why is the US bailing out the confection industry one-percenters when so many jobs would be created by the construction of a Death Star?

And Anna Wintour is being considered for the position of ambassador to somewhere, which more than 4,000 people apparently do not like. Not even close to Death Star worthiness.

Folks against mandatory vaccinations are also making a petition, but even they must agree that a Death Star is a great improvement to Homeland Security.

Mr. President: Your people recognise the naysayers who claim this project will cost 13,000 times the world's GDP, and find their lack of faith disturbing. The US patiently awaits word on the government's progress.

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